Post Grad Blues
I don’t know what my purpose at life. I feel like there’s something I’m supposed to do but I don’t know what it is. I keep thinking that one day it will just hit and I’ll know and then I’ll do it. But nothing ever comes to mind. For instance, sometimes I think of moving to a new city but I keep asking myself, “why? What are you going to do when you get there? Will it really be any different from here?” Afterward, I drop the idea. I can’t think of a reason to go there so why go?
It’s a frustrating feeling not knowing for sure that what I’m doing now is what I’m supposed to do with my life. Especially when it feels like I only have one skill: teaching. F*ck trying trying to do anything else. Even worse, I’m onlyhalfway decent at it. Then when I start thinking of the interests I have, there’s many things that I have that keep me busy, but nothing I like enough to do it forever. To the point that every time I get a new interest, I drop the activity soon after because I get bored. I’m just passing the time. So forget trying to find another career from as passion.
That’s all I think about really, how to pass the time until I get old because I don’t have anything I’m strongly passionate about. I just have a bunch of things I don’t mind doing. So what am I supposed to do? I didn’t necessarily ask for this life and now I’m responsible with filling it. *As a side note, I’m not suicidal.*
It’s like I can’t wait for this day to end but I don’t want the next day to start because I don’t know what to do with it. This feeling of uncertainty fills me with a lot of anxiety. I figured out last summer that this is the reason I hate summer. I don’t know what to do with all that free time. So I end up lying around all day waiting for summer to end so I can have something to do.
Let’s say I found my purpose: teaching young children. Shouldn’t I feel more fulfilled? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate my job. It’s an activity I feel neutral about. I like seeing children grow and understand the world around them. I just hate that I’m doing a job in that I’m not sure that is fulfilling my life’s purpose. How should I explain this? I don’t know what else to do with my time because I don’t know if there any other option I’m willing to take. But I know I have to do something to fill my time. So I might as well teach. As a side note, I give 100% of myself when I’m in the classroom. It would be unethical to bring my personal feelings into my students’ lives.
I am trying my best to find joy, which I consider long-lasting happiness. But it seems it cannot be found anywhere. I can find items and activities to make life seem less bad. But I’m always left with a numbness to life.
I can’t even figure out tomorrow, forget the rest of my life.
I know that there’s something out there. It I’m not sure what. Teaching is something that comes naturally to me but will this job be the one I have until I retire? Who knows! Lastly, I’ve been grappling with different ideas and I think my recent actions are bringing me closer to the career I want for at least a good portion of my life (I know, super vague). The biggest problem I have with finding the career I’m meant to have is stressing over the fact that I haven’t found it even though I’m on 24 years old. It makes me anxious that I don’t know what my set game plan is. The anxiety worsens when I see colleagues from middle school, high school, and college killing it on the Gram .
But I know that I have to keep reminding myself that no one is playing catch up since we are not in a race competing against one another to seem the most successful. We are all out here busting our butts so that we’re not broke and be able to enjoy life at the same time to as we find that thing that we are passionate about and hopefully get paid to do it.