Figuring It Out

My soul has been MIA. 

My life took a complete 180 and I didn’t know how to process any of the changes. So instead of trying to figure out my issues, I did nothing for a long time. 

I didn’t accept nor deny any of the changes. They just were there…surrounding me while I was on cruise control doing the bare minimum in life to survive. I didn’t take time to interact with the new changes.  I focused on finding food, water, a place to live and an income.

Eventually, I got really good at surviving. My credit score was on the raise. My savings account was no longer depleted. I even had my own place again, though smaller than the original. I had my essentials back in order and figured out.

But I had forgotten how to live. There was no soul in anything I was doing.

Before, all the changes, I knew what it meant to have fun. I knew who to hang out with and which places to go. But after my life crumbled into a million pieces and blew away in the wind, there was no old life to go back to because nothing remained. So there was nothing to enjoy anymore.

So I wandered for a while with a fake mask on going through the motions of life. That’s all I could do. There was nothing  else.

I didn’t realize until I spoke to a professional that I realized I was in mourning. I was mourning my old life: a comfortable life, mutual friendships, a growing family, established routines, etc. 

They were all gone at once. And I was not ok.

I had become a body without a soul…

With a lack of identity…

No feelings…

Or Love…

Gone.

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